Thursday, March 23, 2017

Time Marches On

A post dedicated to the idea that no matter how much we want time to slow down--or, sometimes, speed up--it inevitably rolls forward, for better or worse. (But hopefully for better.)

I've talked about it here a lot before, but when Marshall was in my belly, I wanted time to slow down. When my water broke two weeks early, I panicked and begged for more time, crying to Terry that I wasn't ready. But time pushed forward, despite my insistence that I didn't feel ready. Once Marshall arrived, it all felt so hard. I felt overwhelmed and tired and unsteady. I couldn't wait to get to that one-month mark, to be able to say we survived the first part. Time couldn't move fast enough!

And now we have an almost-three-year-old who speaks in paragraphs more often than not, and I find myself wishing again that time could slow down so we could savor more of his sweet innocence. 

A few weeks ago we went to the beach on a super foggy day, and watching Marshall marvel at the ocean inspired me to slow down, to take in that moment in long swallows instead of quick gulps.

He seemed suddenly so old, and even braved asking a scuba diver what he saw under the water. But then an unexpected wave knocked him down, and he was two years old again, preciously trying to imitate his daddy washing his feet but not standing close enough to the shower to get his feet rinsed.

Since becoming pregnant with Declan, I've done my very best to savor every moment. I tried to soak up my last months of being a family of three, to enjoy having only Marshall. But there was a part of me that felt the opposite of how I did in those last weeks of my pregnancy with Marshall. This time, I was ready, and excited, and I couldn't wait to meet our new family member.

Then, suddenly, he was in our arms, and I'm back to wishing things could slow down a little. How is Declan already five months old? How is Marshall almost three?

I know there's no way I'll ever feel like I have enough time with either of them, nor enough time with Terry. I'll never feel satisfied with the amount of family time, and I'll always wish I could have more.

For this--this longing for more time--I am so grateful. I am so lucky to live a life in which I want more of exactly what I'm doing.

In having a second child, in going back to work, in nights where I have to miss bedtime for work, there is a lot of guilt. I often wonder--Are we spending enough quality time with our kids? Are we truly enjoying these sweet days, months, years? Are we making memories we'll cherish forever?

That's a lot of pressure! But to ease some of my anxiety, we've focused on being present with each other and with the kids on evenings and weekends, putting our phones down and loving on our sweet boys. Here's some fun we've had lately...

My friends suggested bringing our older kids to a UCLA gymnastics meet, which was such a fun outing! Marshall even got to meet Josie Bruin, and the Bruins won!

Later, Declan and Terry joined us for a stroll on campus.

Sometimes we chill at home, and those moments can be easy to miss because it feels like there are always chores to do, quick things to tidy up or take care of. But we try to soak it in.

Is there anything better than a baby sleeping in your arms?

Perhaps one who gives huge kisses (er, tries to eat your jaw)?

Occasionally, Terry brings the boys to pick me up at work, and we wander in the Sculpture Garden when I'm done. Marshall calls it my "work garden."

"I'm on a boat!"

On St. Patrick's Day, Terry made a delicious vegetarian Irish stew. It was SO good!

He also made Irish soda bread from scratch--such a stud!

In an act of spontaneity, we booked a last-minute trip to Lake Arrowhead so Marshall (and Declan) could experience the snow for the first time!

Marshall and Terry even rode up the chair lift for some sledding!

It was a super warm day, so we didn't get that wintry, snowy feeling, but it was still fun.

We stayed at the Lake Arrowhead Resort and Spa, which was really awesome. Lake view from our room!

There were some pretty epic tantrums throughout the weekend, but we tried to enjoy the in-between times.

Found a random carousel.

One of my highlights of the weekend--giggling with the boys at dinner.

On Sunday morning, we took a walk down by the lake. Marshall was having a rough morning, so we opted to have Terry carry him in the Ergo while I had Declan in the K'Tan.

Eventually, Marshall wanted to wander on his own, so we got about 20 minutes of exploring before...

Hotel hallways can provide adventure, too.

The weekend flew by, and now we're nearly at the end of March already. When I panic that time is moving too fast, I try to remind myself that we're making the most of every moment. Being married to my favorite person and watching these little boys grow up and is truly the greatest gift.

Next up is the month of April, and while I'm perfectly happy with a slow month, I am also SO excited for my niece and nephew to arrive in a matter of WEEKS! We've been setting aside the clothes Declan outgrows to hand down to our nephew, and it makes me so glad that they'll go to that sweet boy!

I hope time is moving slow enough for you lately. <3


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